Throughout my life, I've taken in stray pets of all kinds. When I was a little girl, I brought in birds with broken wings, lost cats and puppies, tried to feed and make pets out of possums and the whole 9 yards. I always had the desire to help someone, even if it meant that I didn't have much left for myself. As life went on, I applied this same mentality to men. Back when I was making white collar money, I ended up with a guy who made $6 an hour. He was nice, could still count the number of women he had been with on one hand, had a nice smile, was very quiet and square. He had 2 children from 2 different relationships and was just an all around nice guy. My standard for dating him was absolutely ridiculous. I said to myself "OMG! Here's a guy who would rather work for $6 an hour when he could be selling drugs and so on." I basically praised him for doing things he should have been doing. Never mind that he lacked ambition, was being paid under the table, and refused my offer to put him through school to become a licensed mechanic so that he could make some real money some day. The fact that he was nice and worked for $6 made him alright with me.
Overall, I've always settled when it came to the men I've dated because my only real standard was that he NOT be a thug, NOT be abusive, and NOT be a pedophile. I thought settling is what I was supposed to do in order to be fair. I always felt that I would be able to ensure that money would be no issue. There was a time when I thought I had a penchant for attracting men who had done lengthy bids in prison, that's until I realized that prison has been systematically built into black culture which simply made it very highly likely that I would. I can recall talking to men about escorting me to Libraries and Museums thinking it would help them. I can recall handing out college applications. I can recall trying to convince current dope dealers that it was alright to work at Home Depot and that it doesn't make you less of a man. I can also recall being laughed at by those who looked on. I really thought that it was my duty to save men who didn't ask for my help in that regard. Some would talk to me like they wanted change but I couldn't vouch for their sincerity since they kept selling dope. I found myself feeling sorry for black men all the time so I tried to wrongfully take some on as science projects. I would listen to them vent, then come up with ways to fix what they were venting about and unbeknownst to them.
I've only had 4 serious relationships in my whole entire life and I swear, I've turned down prime stock men in exchange for what turned out to be FARM STOCK! I thought that it was my duty to give black, poor, working class and struggling men a chance. Besides, I always knew my potential. I never felt that I'd grow up and NEED a man to financially secure me so it was nothing. During the times when it was visible that I was financially well off, men would make comments like, "Oh baby girl, I'm a broke ass nigga but if I wasn't, I try to get atchu." Then, you had those who didn't care that they were broke and still tried. I actually felt bad turning men down because I've always had a problem telling people "no." I never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings. Then as I got older, I realized just how dangerous it could be to say "no" so I always said "yes."
If I could look back and advise my younger self, I'd tell her to "JUST SAY NO!" It took me too many years to realize that I didn't owe it to anyone to give them a shot or a chance simply because they asked or because they did what they were supposed to do. This is why I admire my daughter's take no shit attitude. I don't tame her in that regard as long as she respects herself and others. My mother and father have always been pit bulls. They've always been financially wealthy, mean as hell and hard on folks, ESPECIALLY the poor. I would be so ashamed at the way they spoke to and handled people. Both their mantras for me were "fuck a man, get your education, get a job, and get money. That way, when you need to tell a man to kiss your ass, you can." My father stressed to me not to ever date a poor man who couldn't afford me. My mother stressed to me not to ever be poor. I took heed to their messages far too late in life, but at least I got it. After numerous bumps in the road and on the head, by George, I think I've got it.
My overall point is that as women, especially black and brown women, we really need to examine why we make the decisions that we make when it comes to our mates. In fact, we owe it to ourselves. Why are we choosing and/or remaining with abusers, farm stock, men who we're not physically attracted to and not financially or goal compatible with? Do we feel as though we owe these men and why? It took me years to release these mental and emotional shackles and now doors are really beginning to open up for me because of it. Are you a slave to a culture that repeatedly fails you, neglects you, and tells you to take it even if and when it hurts? Are you the slaves, of a slave? If so, what's the ETA on your deliverance from this voluntary slavery?
You don't have to answer to me. This is a conversation best had with yourself and now, but ONLY if it applies.
Inspiring words, Ebony.
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